The two most challenging words in all of history. These are the words on repeat in my brain lately. It started with last week, when she looked at me and told me I was fearful and fighting for control. It got stronger when I was an exhausted sobbing wreck, asking God what the hell I was fighting so hard for. I’d barely got the words out when I heard it. His response? ‘Control.’
He told me I needed to let go. I needed to let go of my own plans for my life. I needed to let go of my own understanding of things. I needed to let go of the one I have come to love most.
I broke, ya know. Because how do you do that? How do you let go of control? How do you hand it over to God, trusting that He’ll do something amazing, when everything other time I’ve let go, He’s taken things away from me?
I want to trust His heart and His intentions. I want to believe that letting go will set me free and bring me joy – but I’ve never been more terrified. I’ve never held on so tightly for fear of losing. So when he heard those words too – when God said ‘let go’ – I broke even more.
And then today, I was reminded of Abraham and Isaac. This story in the bible gives so few details – it doesn’t take the time to go into how Abraham must have been thinking and feeling. What it tells me instead is how steadfast Abraham was. How when God called his name he just said ‘I am right here.’ And just as he was about to sacrifice Isaac and the messenger called his name, still he said ‘I am right here.’
So maybe that’s it. Maybe I just need to be right here – ready to do whatever God tells me. Maybe I need to be right here, in a position of surrender, not clenching my fists so tightly, but holding them open to whatever God has for me. Maybe my heart needs to be holding so tightly to God and His truth that it doesn’t matter what He asks me to give up – because He’ll be all I need. I don’t know what’s ahead in life, but I feel like I need to be like Abraham. Having Jesus as my set point and basing all other directions off Him.
Letting go is the most challenging thing I have faced – but I cant be the one in control. When I gave my life to Jesus, I gave up my right to be right, my right to living the life I wanted.
So Jesus, I’m right here. My heart is Yours. My plans are Yours. Take this broken heart and use it for Your glory.