Sunday, 22 March 2015

Are We Out of The Woods? (I trust You now, God)

There’s been an undoing in me lately, one I haven’t had the words for. I don’t know how to make the words ‘I’m scared to be alone’ sound pretty. But if I’m being honest, that’s exactly where I’m at. I’ve been holding on to things, to people, because I don’t want to be alone. And I’m not just talking alone in the sense of lack of people around me, I’m talking singleness. I don’t want to be single.

And we live in a world that hates to admit that. Even as I write those words, I cringe, because it sounds desperate… Pathetic… Even though it’s the one thing everybody feels, no one wants to be the first to say it. No one wants to admit that life can be lonely sometimes. Even when it’s full of people, full of adventures, full of God even, it can still get lonely.

I have a confession to make. There’s been a part of that’s been mad at God for withholding the one thing from me I always wanted. My one dream ever since I was little was to be a wife and a mom. And yes – I have other dreams too, but that was always my one thing. And for awhile – I had to give up that dream. I had to purposely turn my back on relationships with boys so I could let God break down the idol it had become for me. He did that. I know now that even if I never get married, never have children, I’ll be okay, because Christ is always enough for me. But that desire, that dream, is still in my heart. And lately – I’ve been watching what seems like everyone else around me get the one thing I always wanted most.

It kinda sucks watching everybody get into relationships or get married when you’re still single.

It makes it kinda easy to be angry at God, and question His love and His heart.

So that’s where I’ve been. This bitter, angry, frustrated mess. Until a few days ago, when God said the one thing He knew He could to break me.

He told me this. ‘You don’t want to see that I’m enough, or that you’re going to be okay. It’s easier to stay in pain than it is to walk out of the shadows. It’s easier to hide behind what you wanted for your life than it is to step into all I have for you. You know that you can trust Me to work this all out for good, but you don’t want to trust me – because My ways are different than yours…. As much as you don’t want to be single, you’re okay at it. You’re okay with it, too, and you’re allowed to admit that. You’re allowed to admit that you enjoy your life exactly as it is, whilst still hoping for greater days ahead.’

And I hated that. I hate that He knows me so well. I hate that He knows exactly what He needs to say to break me. I hate that no matter what, He always wins, because He knows me better than I know myself.

I hate that He’s right… It is so much easier to be the victim, to stay hiding in my hurt and my anger, to act like I’m mad at the world; than it is to admit that I get it. And I want to trust Him. And that I’m starting to believe He has good plans for me that I’ll thrive in. Nothing in me wants to admit those things when His plans are so different than my own. And trusting in Him doesn’t mean He’ll give me what I want.

So as much as I don’t want to be alone, more than that, I don’t want to believe He’s actually enough for me. I don’t want to hear Him telling me He’s longing to bless me when those blessings don’t include what I want. But that’s the truth. He is enough for me… and He is longing to bless me. And because He knows me better than I know myself – He knows my wants. He knows my needs. And I have no choice but to trust when He says ‘no good thing am I withholding from you.’ (Psalm 84:11)

It's a journey, ya know. And the undoing is a painful process, and yet, somehow, it's beautiful... And all I can really say is, 'I trust You now, God.' 

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