Monday, 15 September 2014

Memories and my refusal to regret

Memories can be the things that keep us holding on far longer than we should... They come back at the most unexpected times, and they fill us with a longing. A longing for all we’ve lost. A longing for all that could have been, should have been if only. If only things were different, and life was fair and the timing was never wrong, but always, always right.

The memories carry feelings with them – we remember how it felt to have our arms around them, or feel them sitting close by our side… I don’t know about you but I know that for that fact alone – sometimes I purposely let myself remember. I keep those memories alive just so I can feel that way again. I can feel wanted… I can feel adored… I can feel all the things that having him by my side made me feel.

Maybe that’s unhealthy. Maybe I’m wrong. I still dont always know if remembering is a good or bad thing. But if there’s anything I have learned it’s that moving on never comes because I force myself. Moving on never happens just because it should, or it’s time, or it’s been too long of holding on. Moving on happens when it’s right. When our hearts are ready. When we’re finally able to see that it didn’t work out for a reason.

That’s a hard truth to swallow – I know. Accepting that there was a reason for it not working out… Accepting that maybe they weren’t the perfect person for you… Accepting that maybe the relationship wasn’t as healthy as you thought it was or wanted it to be. But when you can finally realise all that, when you can finally say those words aloud without feeling like you’ve been stabbed a hundred times over – moving on starts to happen.

There’s this quote I love by this chick called Bethany Sampson. In it she says ‘because moving on isn’t the tragedy. Spreading your wings and flying isn’t the heart-wrenching problem. Forgetting is.’

I guess this makes me realise its okay to remember. And having those memories – isn’t such a bad thing. It’s possible to move on, to move forward in life and become more of who you were always meant to be – whilst still remembering all the good times, and all the hard times. We learn from it you know? We learn from the relationships that never worked. We learn from the wrong timing, and the broken hearts, and the crazy attraction we feel with almost-strangers.

Remembering is hard… But I think it’s worth it… I think it’s one of those things that we should let happen, that we should be grateful for. I don’t wanna forget… I don’t wanna forget how it felt to meet my Augustus Waters. I don’t wanna forget how it felt to hear him breaking my heart with his words when he left. I don’t wanna forget how blessed I was to have him in my life, even if for a very short season. I learnt – I learnt how to love. How to be honest. How to share my heart without giving it all away too quickly. I learnt that there can be beauty in sorrow. There can be wonder in heartbreak. I learnt that it isn’t always about me – that more often than not – it needs to be about what’s best for him. And yes, that means walking away sometimes – giving him the space he needs to move on and learn how to fly – but it’s still all worth it.

So yes, I remember and at times, those memories feel like they’ll be the death of me. But more often than not, I am blessed by and thankful for the memories. I am thankful for all of those seasons in my life, when he came and went. I learnt something from them all – and I refuse to be the girl who regrets it. Yes, I have words I regret. There are things I still wish I never said, or said better. There are honest words I always wished I had said. But I learnt so much, and became so much stronger.
And through them all – I learned to love better… stronger… deeper.

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