Friday, 29 August 2014

An Anorexic Battle...

Allow me to introduce myself…

My name is anorexia. Sometimes I show up in the forms of bulimia, but I stem from a thing called body dysmorphic disorder. I stem from a place of self-hate.

I have this thing I can do where I cloud your eyes and your judgement and make you see yourself differently than anyone else. I have this voice that whispers constantly in your mind, telling you that if only you were thinner – you would have kept that boy. I have this voice that tells you if only you were fitter – you could get that job… I have this voice that tells you all the time that everything is your fault. If anything bad happens – it’s because you did something to make it so. It’s because you weren’t enough, or you were too much to handle.

I have this ability to make you addicted to that number on the scale or your clothing. When those numbers go down, I’ll make you jump with joy. The second those numbers start to creep up, I’ll remind you that you need to do something about that… You need to take control and fix that problem. I have this way of convincing you that when nothing else in your life is in control, the way you look and the foods you eat are the one thing you can control.

The thing about me is – I take over your whole life. When I enter in, and start speaking to you, it changes your perception on everything. I change your ability to love people. And receive love from people. I change your ability to receive God’s Love even. Because I convince you that you are not worth anything – least of all, love. When someone compliments you, tells you that you’re beautiful, I’ll stop you from believing it. I’ll teach you to find ways to argue with them, or just completely brush it off. I change your ability to be happy – I’ll teach you that happiness is an elusive thing, and anytime you catch it for even a minute, you better be ready to let it all go, and expect the next bad thing to happen.

The thing about me is, I am a total lie. Every word out of my mouth is a lie, and yet, I find a way to convince you its truth. And even when you know it’s a lie, I find a way to convince you to believe me anyway. I’m an addiction – I always find a way to draw you back in – especially when you think you’re fine and you’ve got it sorted. I guess you could say I’m a tool in the hands of Satan… I’m something he uses time and time again to bring you down… To stop you from living fully. I’m the thing he uses when you face rejection, hurt, and heartbreak. When there’s the slightest opportunity, he uses me as a way to get to you…

Now allow me to introduce myself. My name is Rebekkah. I began an anorexic battle at age 14, and despite getting better, I’m here again at 20… and I have words to say that I need you to hear.

Baby-girl, I’m telling you there is hope. The hardest thing about recovery is learning that you’re worth it but I wrote this to remind that you are… I’m right in there with you. I’ve walked the recovery journey and thought I was okay, but there is such a thing as a relapse. And it’s the most frustrating thing in the world and only contributes to the ‘failure’ feeling, but you’ve gotta keep fighting. We have to keep fighting. We’re worth the fight. We’re worth the journey to healing. We’re worth recovery. You’re not any less of a person for struggling with this. You’re not a failure because it’s still a struggle.

Baby, you’re the most beautiful fighter I know. I know that because you’re still here. You’re still kicking… You’re still waking up every day and choosing to fight the battle however you need to. You’re still showing up for life, even though it all feels like it’s closing in. Don’t give up hope, sweet one.

Get strong, baby, and stay strong.

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