There’s been a longing in me lately for beautiful words. For ways to describe all that has been happening in this heart and mind of mine. But truthfully, I don’t know that I have the words. I don’t know that I can find a way to describe the changing and the growing, the longing and the sorrow, and the sweet trust in Jesus I have begun to find.
It’s one of those seasons where heartbreak wants to win. When the void he left in my life wants to make itself known, and there’s been too many days of longing, and too many nights of tears, and too many prayers asking God to please just make the way that I’d never been able to find. I remember she wrote to me, and told me you still know he isn't right for you. And those words always haunted me because I never actually said that – but she knew. She knew just as I still know that though there is a void in my life shaped like him, he wasn't and isn't right. So as heartbreak tries to win, I fight even harder to find the beautiful moments. To find the good in goodbye. I fight even harder to put my heart in God’s Hands and leave it there.
It’s one of those seasons where nothing is making sense. And there are too many closed doors with nothing seeming to open. Some days, fear tries to win… Fear tries to hold me, reminding me that I can’t make a move coz it could all go wrong. But even when nothing is going the way I planned, I’m reminded of Jeremiah. How God called him, and regardless of his excuses, God anointed him and assured him he ‘could and would go wherever God told him to.’ So no, nothing really makes sense right now. And yet, I can and will go wherever God calls me. There is no such thing as a wrong move because He will always guide me back. And fear? Well, fear is just a liar.
It’s a season of battling old demons. Battling voices that tell me I am never enough. That if only I could change the way I look, things would be different, better somehow. But the thing I've learned here is that I am stronger than that. I don’t have to fall back into old coping mechanisms just because that’s what I always did. Those voices are just like fear – they’re lying.
So maybe, maybe this season is actually one of strength. Because for all the moments I’ve never felt more broken, I’ve also never felt stronger. Or more alive in Christ. Maybe it’s like Paul wrote in Corinthians – ‘I am hard pressed on every side, but not crushed, I am perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned, struck down, but not destroyed.’ I’m climbing this mountain with my hands wide open. I’m open to what God has for me. I’m committed to spending this time with Him. I am believing He works all things for good, and I am trusting He knows more than me. It’s not perfect you know? I don’t always feel my faith. But it’s there. And it’s seasons like this one that it grows and strengthens and is revealed.
Life…. Life is good!