The theme of these last few weeks in my life has been 'playing the background.' For so long, I've been striving to be like others, I've been striving to throw my name into the limelight and become like those amazing people I see all the time. I've been trying to write like others and speak like others and have the wisdom of others, and just now I am realizing that it's all wrong. I cannot seek out my own victory, my own glory... I have to seek first His Kingdom, for only then will all these things be added unto me. Lecrae has a couple of songs that I have been listening to over and over, and every time I hear them, I learn something new and am convicted all over again: 'background', and 'boasting.' Jump on YouTube and check them out if you haven't heard them, I am convinced they will change your life.
So anyway, there has just been this odd sequence of events that have humbled and challenged me. God has been doing things that I had forgotten He could do. He's been reminding me that He creates way for me, He goes ahead of me and opens doors, and He doesn't need my help to plan out this life I'm living. I've been up and I've been down, and I've had moments on my knees, and moments of doing the ugly cry (and yes, I do mean the ugly cry). But even still, it was beautiful, because it was messy and broken and the end of myself, and of course, that means the beginning of Him. And really, what else matters? All glory on this earth is fleeting. All fame comes to an end. There are no autograph lines in Heaven and I've come to the conclusion that it's time to chase Him. No more doing things in my own strength, no more copying those around me and trying to be something I'm not. Yes, I have dreams I want to live out, and those dreams do involve being somewhat recognized by others - but that's not my pursuit anymore. If God wants to use those talents - He will make a way. He gave me those gifts for a reason, and I am choosing to believe He can and will use them however He wants to.
So this is where I'm at - realizing that all of life is about playing the background, letting Him take the lead, doing whatever He gives us to do for His Glory, knowing that the only praise that will ever matter is His words upon our meeting: 'Well done, good and faithful servant.' That is the only praise and recognition I want - and whatever happens in the meantime - it's all through Him, because of Him, for Him.