I am currently in the process of writing a book - a book about challenges I have faced and lessons I have learned from those challenges. Yesterday, God put it on my heart to sit down and write the chapter about my past addiction to pornography. So I sat down, with no clue of what to say or how to say it, and let God write through me. What took place in those few moments was powerful. My battle with that addiction began when I was about 10 years old, and is still in the process of ending. I say in the process because I although I have not viewed pornography in 7 years, there are still days when I am tempted to do so. So yesterday, I'm writing my story, and writing how I got through it, when a huge weight of guilt landed on my shoulders. When you start to talk about your past, you remember things - and the things I was remembering were not pleasant... the wrongs I had committed, the things I had seen and done - it got me all over again. I thought I was done and healed and forgiven but yesterday, it hit me again. So I turned to Romans 5, which is the Scripture I first read when I began to seek forgiveness years ago. I read this words and it hit me all over again - He chose me whilst I was still doing the very thing I knew was wrong.
Romans 5:8 says this: 'But think about this: while we were wasting our lives in sin, God revealed His powerful love to us in a tangible display - the Anointed One died for us.'
Can you imagine? Right as you were doing the very things God hates, He looked at you and said 'I want you. I love you. I choose you.'
This picture drove me to my knees - because what Grace is this? That while I was the most weak, the most pitiful, the most anti-God - He chose me. He accepted me for what I was and saw all I could be. And that's not all - He gave His life for mine, and in doing so, took the blame for my wrongs. While I was staring at a computer screen branding dirty images into my head, He took His Blood-filled pen, and wrote His Name over mine. I think of it like police statement - when a criminal commits a crime, they write a statement of what they did and everything that happened. Then they sign their name on the dotted line proclaiming that it was their fault, their responsibility, and they would pay for it. Well, my statement read that after being baptized and giving my heart to Jesus, after knowing the difference between right and wrong, I still chose to please myself, and commit all kinds of sexual sin. And as I went to sign that dotted line and declare that I was guilty, I was the sinner, Jesus took my hand from the page, and on that dotted line, He signed His Name with ink that can never be removed. And because of that, 'the Blood of Jesus has made us right with God now... We stand now reconciled and at peace with God.' (Romans 5:9,11)
I can't say it any better than that. I have peace with God. I am reconciled to Him. I don't have to pay for what I did. and for that, I am eternally grateful. There are not enough words to describe how thankful I am for His Grace, His Mercy, His kindness. Please know today, that you are loved. Know that there is no sin He can't cover. Know that there are no chains He cannot break. That addiction you face - He's bigger than it. He chooses you. He loves you. He wants you - now. Not when you're better, not when you're complete or have made some attempt to rectify your wrongs - right now. He sees you. and He still wants you. He still loves you.
P.s. check out this awesome spoken word video on this topic by Nick Vitellaro - Sincerely Freedom (click the link)