A Letter To My Best Friend

There’s a story behind these coffee mugs that only you and I know. They were bought for us, one was always intended for you, my best friend. And since they were bought, they’ve sat in the top of my cupboard, just waiting for the day you were here with me. Now they serve as the reminder that you were meant to be here beside me.

The thing is, nothing in life prepared me for the day I would lose you, my best friend. Nobody ever told me that I would meet you, and not only would you be my best friend, but I’d fall in love with you, plan a future with you, and then have to say goodbye. I wish I could say I had the answers for us. I wish I could say I knew how to grieve well, how to let you go and how to move forward with my life. I don’t have those answers, baby. All I have is how I’m getting through.

I’m getting through by letting myself grieve. By letting myself ugly cry, or be angry, or feel hopeless. I’m letting myself feel whatever I have to, and then I’m trying hard not to stay in those moments. I’m trying to keep living my life.

But it’s really hard without you, my best friend, by my side. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, I miss you. It can be the smallest thing that’ll happen and it will just trigger all our memories. There’s this quote I love. Someone wrote in to IYFTE and said this: “it’s living daily, a single occupancy, in a life that was made for two.” And that’s how it feels. It feels like as much as I can figure this out on my own, I can find a life that will keep me busy by myself, but this life was always made for two.

Before you I would read that quote, and I’d think how nice it would be. I’d think two was better than one. But I really had no idea, just a picture in my mind of what it would be like, how it would feel. It was so much better than I imagined. Because you were my best friend. And as hard as it would get, two really was better than one. And everything, even the little things, like grocery shopping was so much more fun because you were by my side.

So no, nothing prepared me for the day I would lose you. Nothing makes the grief easier or the pain go away. Maybe it’d be easier if I got rid of the coffee mugs. Maybe it’d be easier if I sent you the letters, returned the clothes. But deep down, there’s a part of me that still wants to hope. And so, the coffee mugs stay. And they remind me that we existed, that we mattered. They remind me to pray, to ask God for that second chance we both always wanted.

I miss you every second, best friend. I’m still learning how to breathe without you. I’m still learning how to live a life single that was always made for two. 

I love you and you love me more and I love you more.

 The light is still on for you.

Needing People

You are so strong, darling, and you know that. I know in times like this, in a season where you have been so, so hurt, you just want to use that strength so you dont need people.
I know you feel like you have a point to prove - a point that you're doing just fine by yourself and you dont need anybody to help you get through.

Baby, I know it hurts, but you need people. You were made for community. And not community in the sense of just being around a lot of people all of the time. Real, genuine community - people you can share your heart with - people you can mourn with and celebrate with. People who can build you and people you can build.

I know people have let you down. I know that lately needing people has been dangerous - because they've all left you in one way or another. Not everyone leaves, darling. Look for the ones who stay - not just in the physical sense of the word - but the ones who will stay present in your life, who will keep being there and being real even if they're half a world away.

Baby, you dont have to prove anything to anyone. You dont owe anyone an explanation for your life. You deserve to be genuinely happy - not to show them, but for you. For your sake.
Dont let the ones who didn't choose you, the ones who hurt you, who broke you, ruin good things for your future. What they did is on them, not you. You, my love, have just been given the opportunity to be brave.
You've been given the opportunity to take a deep breath, and start again. You've been handed the opportunity to build a life you'll love.
You've been given the chance to build a genuine community. Nothing makes you braver than trusting again, loving again.

Be strong, baby, but strong in all the right ways. You get to be happy - but happy for you, not to prove a point to 'them.'

You are worth it, love, so so worth it.

To The One Who Doesn't Feel Good Enough

To the One whose Heart has been Broken (making you feel so far from good enough),

A broken heart is a never ending train wreck of emotions. Though it's all over the place, I believe there are two main stages of it. The first stage - the one that seems to last the longest - is the 'it aint pretty' stage.
This is where the tears and the screaming, the lying on the floor numb, the desperate to forget emotions come in. This is where the desperation kicks in. The desperation to feel loved and wanted. The desperation to escape from the hurt and the pain.
You've convinced yourself by this point that you are not at all good enough. You've convinced yourself no one will ever want you again, and so you will do just about anything in order to feel wanted. Like I said, it's not a pretty stage.

But from one ugly broken heart to another, I want to tell you a few things.
First thing, as is evidenced by this letter - you are not alone. Everything you are feeling now, so many of us have felt before. Our situations may all be different, but a broken heart is what it is.
Whatever happened, baby, it's not your fault. Dont take on the responsibility for another persons choices and actions, especially to the detriment of yourself. You are worth everything - dont blame yourself, darling.

Second thing you need to know is that you are good enough. I know nothing in you feels it. I know you could give me a list of reasons right now as to why you arent. I know the messiness that comes from this breaking apart just adds to you feeling so far from worth it. But I promise you, you are so worth it. and this season, this chapter in your life? Well, it's not the end of your story. It's not where it all has to end.

You see, the second stage to a broken heart - that's the beautiful stage. That's the part where you begin to find yourself again. It's the part where you start to smile through the tears. It's the part where, when the memories come back, you laugh and you smile, and you thank God for those times, and then you keep moving forward. The beautiful stage is the one where you care about the person and wish the best for them, but you know its not you. And you know there is a future out there for you so much better than you can even imagine.

Darling, I know what a broken heart will do to you. I know it will tell you that you are not enough; that you're not pretty enough or fun enough, or sexy enough; or that you're too much, too loud, too emotional, too whatever. Those are lies, baby-cakes. Lies straight from hell. You - exactly as you are - you're beautiful in every way. You are worth fighting for, and I'm so sorry that persons actions didn't show you that.
You are fun to be with. The right person will find you so unbelievably sexy, and they're the only one who will matter anyway. You dont need to be desperate, my love. You dont need to disrespect yourself to feel wanted. Be you. Be kind to yourself. Find ways to deal with the pain in a way that promotes your health. Forgive yourself.
Look for the blessings, the little moments of joy in every day, and be thankful for them. I know it's not pretty sometimes, but that's okay too. Just dont stay in that place too long. Keep taking steps forward. Do what you can to get strong and stay strong.

You are so precious, baby. You are worth everything. Life will be beautiful again, I promise. Know your worth.

Dear Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

I’ve gotta be honest with you. Nothing in me wants to believe you exist right now. I think that’s just a by-product of this past year, and everything I’ve been through. But that’s where I’m at – trying to remember that you’re still out there, but feeling like you mustn’t be and even if you are – I’m never going to get myself together enough for you.

I fell in love. I chose to love. I chose to trust. We planned our lives. And then it all broke right in front of me. And the trust was gone, and half the time I have to convince myself I wasn’t the only one loving. I thought he was you. So badly I wanted him to be you. I felt God saying he was. But then everything changed, and I still don’t know why or how, I still don’t have any answers, all I have is this knowledge that you must still be out there.

I don’t know what it’s going to look like now. I can only imagine that when I meet you, I’ll be more fearful than ever before, because love is a risk I don’t feel like taking anymore. I can only imagine that when we’re together, it’s going to take me a long time to trust you, because once trust has been broken, it’s hard to forget that. I can only imagine that when I meet you, memories are going to keep flooding my mind for a while, because so many things will remind me of him and me.

But then there’s a part of me that thinks maybe it’ll be nothing like I’m imagining. Maybe it’ll be so much better because that’s the God we serve; a God Who is faithful to keep His promises. A God whose Love heals me, and never ever hurts me. Maybe it’ll be better because you wont be that guy. You wont be the one to destroy me. You wont be the one to break all your promises and break all my trust. I know you wont be perfect, and praise God for that, coz I sure as hell am not either. But I believe that when you say you’ll love me, you’ll show it with your actions every day. I believe that I’ll be able to trust you, because you’ll give me no reason to ever question you, and honesty will never be optional with you. I believe that God is going to use us, and the things we’ve been through individually and together to help and encourage and strengthen others.

I don’t know who you are. I’m still on this journey of letting God heal my heart. There are many moments I don’t believe you’re out there. In almost every moment I still miss him and have to convince myself all over again he’s not you. But I’ll get there. And I’ll keep praying for you. And I’ll keep striving to become the woman God always intended me to be, so that together, we can accomplish all He has for us.

I’ll keep hoping for you, my love. I’ll stop convincing myself I’ll never love again. I’ll stop thinking I’m never going to be held again. I’ll stop convincing myself I’ll never dance again, or have my forehead kissed again. I’ll stop convincing myself I’ll never have someone to pray with again, and worship God with again. I’ll stop telling myself it was my fault, and start trusting that God has a plan and a purpose. And when it’s right, all of those things will come about. And you’ll pursue me and fight for me in the ways God always intended me to be pursued and fought for.

I’ll hold you in the light.

Rebekkah

A Few Thoughts on Love

Love doesn't destroy. It doesn't tear down. It doesn't speak words of destruction. It doesn't play games, doesn't look for a way out. Love would never intentionally hurt the other person. Love would never seek to drag them down and bring them harm. Love was never meant to hurt the other person, to wound them or break them.

Yes, love highlights all your fears and weaknesses and flaws. But it's meant to cover them, to make up for them, to complement them.
I have learned that without God, we can't live this kind of love. This kind of love - is His love. It's the way He loves us. And if we don't look to Him and learn from Him, if we don't follow His example, we do all the things love shouldn't.

We destroy each other. We tear each other down. We bring destruction to the relationship. We constantly wound with our words and our actions. We play stupid games. We find new ways to hurt the other person. And we never change, because we're still trying to love in our own strength.

But God's Love - it heals us. It mends the broken, hurting heart. His love makes up for all the insufficiencies. When we let Him in, when we let Love be our guide - then we're truly loving....

We no longer destroy or tear down - we build up. We speak life. We challenge each other to godliness, to life as it's truly meant to be lived. We don't hurt each other, we heal each other. Because although hurt people hurt people, healed people heal people. We don't play games, instead we have our eyes fixed on the goal of Jesus and run straight towards Him together. We don't threaten to leave, we demonstrate a love that stays. And we do it all knowing we can't do it alone - we can only do it in God's strength. We can love like that only when we humble ourselves to worship a God so much bigger than us. 

He is our example.

"There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear....
We, though, are going to love—love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first." (1 John 4:18-19 MSG)

Forgiveness

Forgiveness has been the thing pressed on my heart lately. If I’m being honest, I wish it wasn’t. I wish forgiveness was something that just happened automatically, and wasn’t something I had to pray through and work through. For awhile now God has been speaking to my heart, telling me I needed to write down that list of offences I’d been storing up in my mind. 

Finally, I did it. I sat down with my journal, and I wrote down the list, the ugly, ugly list of offences. I wrote down all the things that had been said and done to hurt me, all the moments, all the feelings. I could barely read over it without weeping – because all of those things have caused me a world of hurt. They’ve broken my heart again and again, and created so much hurt and anger and bitterness. And I’ve been holding out for the apology – holding out for that person to realize what they’ve done to me. I’ve been unconsciously not forgiving in hopes they would genuinely apologize and change. I guess I’ve been waiting for them to deserve my forgiveness.

But as I wrote it all out today, I realised something. No, they don’t deserve my forgiveness. But I do. I deserve to forgive them. I deserve to let go of the pain and the hurt, the anger and the bitterness. I deserve to let go of all those memories and the power they have over me. I deserve to be at peace, to live a life of grace.

I’m not there yet. It’s not over with one journal entry, one moment of honesty with God, but it’s a beginning. Because as I wrote it all out, I began to feel more free. I began to feel a weight being lifted off my shoulders that I didn’t even know I was carrying. It’s like I’d been wrapped up in chains, without even realising it was happening. And as I wrote it all out, as I admitted just how much it had all hurt me, the pain it had all caused me – the chains began to break. The weight began to lift. The process of forgiveness began.

Love keeps no tally of wrongs ya know, and so that’s why I’m doing this. I’ve been keeping a tally and now – I want to let it go. I want to forgive, and truly live. I want to truly love, the way the bible says to.

Love is patient; love is kind. Love isn’t envious, doesn’t boast, brag, or strut about. There’s no arrogance in love;  it’s never rude, crude, or indecent—it’s not self-absorbed. Love isn’t easily upset. Love doesn’t tally wrongs  or celebrate injustice; but truth—yes, truth—is love’s delight! Love puts up with anything and everything that comes along; it trusts, hopes, and endures no matter what. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Messy Love

Love is messy.

I feel like that has been the theme of my life lately. It started with the beginning of this year, God finding me amidst such mess and loving me even as I was on my knees sobbing. It started with Him loving me in the middle of a broken heart and a broken life, holding me closer and closer.

It continued when God gave me this beautiful, messy human to love and be loved by. I never knew before now how hard it could be to choose a person over and over again. To see them on some of their worst days and want to help them and get them through it. I never knew before now how hard it would be to let myself be chosen by another broken person, to let them love me, to let them choose me, to let them stay in my life.

And now it’s reached a point where I feel that’s what He’s calling me to do with my life. To love people in the midst of their mess. To be there for people even when it hurts; to love them in the thick of their trials and pain and sorrow. I feel He’s calling me to let my heart be broken for other people over and over again, to choose to stay anyway, even when it’s not pretty.

And I guess when I think about it – that’s all love really is anyway. It’s a beautiful mess. After all, Jesus showed ultimate love when He surrendered His life – and that was not a pretty scene. It doesn’t really get more messy than that – and so if I’m following Him, if I’m loving as He loved, that’s what it’s going to look like. It’s going to look like being willing to lay down my life for someone else’s sake. It’s going to look like getting out of my own comfort zone to make someone else’s life better. It’s going to look like putting aside my own desires and needs to serve someone else. It’s going to look messy.

I don’t know all the practicals of who and how, yet. I don’t know exactly where He’s calling me or what He’s asking of me. But I know where it starts. I know it starts with choosing every single day to love my beautiful messy self even when it’s hard. I know it starts with choosing to love my beautiful messy human even on the days when its scary and difficult, and letting him choose to love me. I know it starts with showing up for the people God has given me now, in this season; being there for them whatever they need, even if it breaks my heart to see them in their pain.


Love is messy – but it’s worth it.

Are We Out of The Woods? (I trust You now, God)

There’s been an undoing in me lately, one I haven’t had the words for. I don’t know how to make the words ‘I’m scared to be alone’ sound pretty. But if I’m being honest, that’s exactly where I’m at. I’ve been holding on to things, to people, because I don’t want to be alone. And I’m not just talking alone in the sense of lack of people around me, I’m talking singleness. I don’t want to be single.

And we live in a world that hates to admit that. Even as I write those words, I cringe, because it sounds desperate… Pathetic… Even though it’s the one thing everybody feels, no one wants to be the first to say it. No one wants to admit that life can be lonely sometimes. Even when it’s full of people, full of adventures, full of God even, it can still get lonely.

I have a confession to make. There’s been a part of that’s been mad at God for withholding the one thing from me I always wanted. My one dream ever since I was little was to be a wife and a mom. And yes – I have other dreams too, but that was always my one thing. And for awhile – I had to give up that dream. I had to purposely turn my back on relationships with boys so I could let God break down the idol it had become for me. He did that. I know now that even if I never get married, never have children, I’ll be okay, because Christ is always enough for me. But that desire, that dream, is still in my heart. And lately – I’ve been watching what seems like everyone else around me get the one thing I always wanted most.

It kinda sucks watching everybody get into relationships or get married when you’re still single.

It makes it kinda easy to be angry at God, and question His love and His heart.

So that’s where I’ve been. This bitter, angry, frustrated mess. Until a few days ago, when God said the one thing He knew He could to break me.

He told me this. ‘You don’t want to see that I’m enough, or that you’re going to be okay. It’s easier to stay in pain than it is to walk out of the shadows. It’s easier to hide behind what you wanted for your life than it is to step into all I have for you. You know that you can trust Me to work this all out for good, but you don’t want to trust me – because My ways are different than yours…. As much as you don’t want to be single, you’re okay at it. You’re okay with it, too, and you’re allowed to admit that. You’re allowed to admit that you enjoy your life exactly as it is, whilst still hoping for greater days ahead.’

And I hated that. I hate that He knows me so well. I hate that He knows exactly what He needs to say to break me. I hate that no matter what, He always wins, because He knows me better than I know myself.

I hate that He’s right… It is so much easier to be the victim, to stay hiding in my hurt and my anger, to act like I’m mad at the world; than it is to admit that I get it. And I want to trust Him. And that I’m starting to believe He has good plans for me that I’ll thrive in. Nothing in me wants to admit those things when His plans are so different than my own. And trusting in Him doesn’t mean He’ll give me what I want.

So as much as I don’t want to be alone, more than that, I don’t want to believe He’s actually enough for me. I don’t want to hear Him telling me He’s longing to bless me when those blessings don’t include what I want. But that’s the truth. He is enough for me… and He is longing to bless me. And because He knows me better than I know myself – He knows my wants. He knows my needs. And I have no choice but to trust when He says ‘no good thing am I withholding from you.’ (Psalm 84:11)

It's a journey, ya know. And the undoing is a painful process, and yet, somehow, it's beautiful... And all I can really say is, 'I trust You now, God.' 

'The Morning After' (Post-Valentine's Day Thoughts)

Life isn't like the fairy tales at all. He's not always going to show up at your door with flowers. In the middle of your loneliness, the love of your life is not going to appear out of nowhere. You have to learn to rely on the One Who makes you complete, the only One Who will always and ever be enough. Your faith has got to be enough.

There's only One that can truly satisfy. And I'm sorry if you don't want to hear that, but I've spent long enough avoiding that truth, and it's better for you to learn that now.

Broken-hearted girl, you're never going to be able to fix yourself. I don't care how much red lipstick you wear, how hot you dress, how many words you ink into your skin. I dont care how many clubs you hit, how much alcohol you consume, how many guys grind all over you - you can't fix yourself.

Love isn't enough, baby. I'm sorry to say that to you but that's the honest truth, human love is not enough. It will never be enough. Christ's love - now that's enough. That's the only love that loves wholly, sufficiently, and eternally.

His love doesn't disappoint. His love doesn't require you to change anything about yourself, or pretend to be better than you are. His love, trust, and respect doesn't have to be earned - you already have it.

Broken-hearted girl, hear me on this. Your 'status', your state of being, is loved. Whether he showed up at your door with flowers or not, you are loved. You are seen. You are known. No man on this earth dictates that otherwise.

Know your worth. Know you are loved. Know you are treasured and cherished and remembered. You're allowed to be disappointed, baby. You're allowed to be hurt, but you cannot live one second longer believing you are not loved just because he didn't show up. You're loved, with a love that is completely enough. Open your hands, sweetheart, open your heart. Love has come for you.

Five Relationship Lessons (From A Single Girl's Perspective)

As a single girl, I’m possibly one of the last people anyone wants to take relationship advice from. But over the last few years I’ve learned some things, both from my own experiences and learning from other people. Too often I see people buying into some of these ideas and concepts about relationships that just aren’t true (and yes, I’m guilty of believing those things too at times). But as I’m learning, I want to encourage others’ on the journey as well. So here it is – my five relationship lessons:

1. Relationships are not like the fairy tales. You’re not gonna meet that special someone, sing a love song to each other and then live happily ever after. Relationships require work. They require sacrifice and selflessness. Beginning a relationship involves awkwardness - getting to know each other, learning how to work together, and love each other. Relationships involve choosing to trust someone.

2. That person is not always going to do what you want them to. They’re not perfect, and they’re certainly not a mind reader. They’re not always going to remember to send you a good morning text. They’re not always going to be able message you back straightaway. They’re not always going to know when you want a hug, or how to say what you want to hear.

3. Love is a choice. It’s a constant choice to see the best in a person. It’s a constant choice to forgive wrongs. To do what is best for them, not just for you.

4. Though leaving is hard, staying is harder. Staying is also a choice. Relationships involve risk of hurt… There can be fear in that too. It’s a choice to stay, when everything in you feels like running the other way as fast as possible.

5. Relationships will not solve your problems. Dating someone, even if it’s the person you’re going to someday marry will not suddenly make your life perfect. It’s not suddenly going to take away all your work or uni stress, your financial pressure, or family problems. Yes, you’ll have someone there to walk the journey with, but ultimately, all of those things are still your responsibility. They cannot fix it all for you.

I know – it all sounds harsh and reading it like that makes relationships sound ultra-boring. But the thing is – they’re worth it. I believe love; true love with Christ at the centre is worth it. Yes, relationships are work – but when you’re with the right person – the work has purpose. The right relationship – draws you both closer to God. It brings out the worst in you as you realize your own selfishness – but then it brings out the best in you as you choose to put aside yourself to serve someone else. Choosing to stay, choosing to trust, choosing to love – it is a hard journey. But I believe it is well worth it.

The Conclusion to My No-Dating Commitment

If you haven't read part 1 of this post, click here to read. 

This commitment has been far from perfect. I can't say I didn't get my heart bruised during that time. I can't say I always managed to refocus my thoughts. I can't say I wasn't tempted to say yes when I needed to say no.

But I can say that I learned a lot. I can say that despite the hurt and disappointment, I learned to believe in love again.
I learned to say no - both to myself and to others who were asking.
I got closer to God - I learned to run to Him in the moments. I learned to deny my feelings and remember the facts - though I felt broken, God makes me whole. Though I wanted the instant gratification of a relationship now, I learned it's better to wait.

It wasn't perfect. Giving up dating didn't change my desire for a relationship with the right guy – but It has shown me that I can truly live and enjoy my life without a guy by my side. I can be happy without a relationship. It's taught me that running to a guy to fix my problems will never actually fix them, and more likely will perpetuate them. No, this commitment didn't take away my desire for a relationship. It didn't take away my desire to be a wife and a mom, but it taught me there is purpose for me now, and if God wills, someday in the right timing I will meet the guy for me.

This commitment has given me the chance to take a step back and realise the truth again. It's taught me once again that I don't need to live ruled by my emotions, but I can live instead under the truth.
It's given me time to remember my worth, and remember my standards. It's given me the courage to wait, instead of simply settling for whatever comes along.

I guess I learned again that Jesus is enough. Even when I don't want Him to be, He still is. That's a fact, no matter what I feel. I guess in some ways I did learn to refocus. To change my thoughts, but also just set my gaze on something different, SomeOne different.

To be totally honest - I wasn't great at living out this commitment out. There were definitely times I could have worked harder to refocus my thoughts, and definitely conversations I didn't need to engage in. And yet - I still got out of it what I wanted to.
There were times this commitment made me feel guilty - because I did get my heart a little bruised during that time. And I did still have midnight conversations under the stars... And I still don't know if that's right or wrong but more than anything it's the reminder I serve a God of grace. Because even when I stuff up promises I made - He loves me. And honestly - I could always see Him with arms wide open; I could always see Grace in His Eyes.

I cling to that ya know? As there is an enemy who would do anything to keep me condemned - I cling to the truth - that God knows me. And He sees my heart, and He loves - regardless.

Having this commitment end still doesn't make me feel ready to date. I haven't done this just so I can jump straight back in. I've been pondering making another no-dating commitment just because I'm not sure I am ready for a relationship yet... But I don't know. Maybe it's less about making a commitment (and therefore a set of rules to live by) and more about learning to trust God... Learning to trust that as I focus on Him and focus on what He's given me to do right now, all these other details will work out.

He is faithful.

Everything Has Changed

It all finished this weekend. After months of thought, prayer, and preparation - I walked out those doors and straight into the unknown.

I walked away from certain people who make me feel like half a person. I walked away from people who only make me lonely... It was a reflection on my year - on the comings and goings that have taken place. There have been a lot of comings - most that were complete blessings and challenged, taught and helped shape who I am. So many of those comings brought with them fun times, awesome memories and genuine friendship. Most of the goings - were painful. Don't get me wrong - some of them were good and clearly God's protection in my life. But some of them were simply painful - and still are. If there's one thing I've learned from it though - if there's one goal it's given me for 2015 is that I need to learn to trust God no matter who comes and goes from my life, knowing He has a plan and a purpose.

When I left, I walked away from routine - from the one thing I thought for sure was a certain for my life. I walked away from things I loved doing - and wish I could still do. I walked away knowing I made a choice - and though it's bittersweet, I made the choice I believe God was calling me to. And I trust that though it's bittersweet now, it will all make sense in His timing.

Where it all stands right now - everything has changed. I have changed. Looking back to the beginning of this year - to that lonely, heartbroken girl who didn't know her place or her gifts or what she wanted to now - this lonely-but-not-alone, mostly-healed girl who knows what she wants and is taking courage to pursue it - God is faithful.

It's not perfect. The unknown ahead of me is terrifying some days. The grief inside me for what I've lost is so painful some days. But I'm thankful. Thankful that though the future is unknown to me, it's known by the One Who knows me completely. I'm thankful for the grief - because it means I had people that mattered to me. That changed me and blessed me. I'm thankful that God saw fit to include them in my life if for only a season, and trust that if they're meant to come back - He will make it so.

And though everything has changed, I am in love with the One Who never changes, who is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

Why I've Given Up Dating....

In a world that tells us to fight for what we want, there is nothing more difficult than giving up the very thing we want with all our heart. And yet, that's what Christ asks of us.

 At least, that's what I feel He's asking of me.

 For as long as I can remember, I wanted to love and be loved by 'my guy.' I've dreamt of and prayed for my future husband since I was about 11 years old, and spent countless hours writing letters to him, praying for him and our future children, and talking about what our someday would look like.

 I made a commitment when I was about 15 that I didn't want to date unless it was the guy I was going to marry, and that I wanted to save my first kiss for my wedding day. But when I was 16, I got my heart a little bit messed up. I thought I'd found that guy, and when it didn't work out, I was pretty upset and unsure how to deal with it. That failed attempt at a relationship left me with a lot of scars and wounds, and a deep feeling of failure because no longer was my future husband going to be the first guy I'd loved.

 Fast forward to a few years later, when I fell in love with an amazing guy. He was so far from who I thought would be my one and yet so much about him made sense. We tried, and it didn't work... For so many reasons... But that really broke my heart. There were so many days I didn't know how to live normally, so many moments I had to remind myself to just breathe. There were so many times I thought I would never even want anyone else but him. But as time went on, it's just been one guy after another. It's been throwing all my emotions into the next 'crush' on someone, falling for a new guy every few months. 

 Until lately when I realized I wasn't as okay as I thought I was, and my relationship with God wasn't where it needed to be. Being constantly hurt by guys didn't do much to help me love myself or understand how or why God could want me or even love me. 

And so I reached a point of making a change. And I made a commitment that for at least 3 months, til the end of this year, I wasn't going to date or be involved with guys. I made this decision for so many reasons, but primarily for the sake of my relationship with God and the sake of my own heart. 

 But it's been hard, way harder than I thought it would be. Under the guise of friendship I let my heart get deeper and deeper involved with someone, until it once again became my primary focus, taking up a lot of mental time and energy, and wreaking havoc with my emotions. 

 And so it feels like finally now, I'm understanding what commitment looks like. Commitment involves sacrifice. It means giving up something now, knowing that one day in the future I will receive my reward. It means walking away when everything in me wants to walk closer. It means developing character, learning self-control and practicing discipline. This commitment carries a purpose far bigger than I realized at the beginning. 

Initially I thought it meant my heart could heal a little, and I could get stronger in my walk with God, and everything would be great. But I'm learning now it involves learning to control my mind, and refocus my thoughts where they need to be. I'm learning that this will teach me what it's really like to live in God's strength, running to Him every day, every second, especially in the moments I have no way of carrying on.

I'm learning this commitment will help me learn (yet again) that my emotions don't have to control me, and aren't always a good conveyor of the truth. 

 So that's where I'm at. And I don't know how it's all going to turn out. It's hard to walk away not knowing what's going to happen, and not having any promises. It's hard to let go of what I want now for the sake of what I want most. But it's a commitment and promise I made, for good reason... It's a commitment I made that has nothing to do with my own selfish desires and nothing to do with the way this world works, and everything to do with what Jesus wants and the way His Kingdom works.

I guess I'm learning to live out Matthew 16:24-25.
'If you want to follow Me, you must deny yourself the things you think you want. You must pick up your cross and follow Me. The person who wants to save his life must lose it, and she who loses her life for Me will find it.'

I'm not perfect at it. I'm still learning to set boundaries and live within them. I'm still learning that it's okay to ask people for help so I can actually keep this commitment... I'm still learning how to guard my heart and my mind, how to not give in to every emotional temptation that comes up. It is hard, really, really hard. But I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't give up the lessons I'm learning for anything - not even that really cute guy standing right in front of me. God's got it, ya know? I'm using every cliche I've got here but if it's meant to be, then it will....in God's perfect timing....

Let's Talk About SEX, Baby....

Beautiful girl,

I heard your story last night and I wanted to cry. You had all these dreams of rose petals and candles, a man that loved you, in a beautiful setting. But in this crazy world that told you waiting is uncool, you settled for less and gave it away all too easily. It became a joke to everyone around you. They told you it was no big deal. They offered to put a price tag on it, and in that way, cheapened it so, so much.

I just wanted to tell you that you are still worth the rose petals. You are still worth a man who is committed to you, who loves you. You are still worth a man who will be there in the morning when you wake up. Sex isn’t cheap…. Sex isn’t just some physical process that just needs getting done and over with. Sex wasn’t meant to be the obsession, the topic of jokes, and the focus of your entire life.

More important than the physical aspect of sex, are the relationships you have with people in your life. I’m not saying that sex is unimportant, I’m just saying that before that happens, you need to know who you are and Whose you are. You need to have strong relationships built in your life, not just with friends, and not just with a lover, but with the One that created you…. The One that created sex.

Can I let you in on something? When He created sex and set it within the boundaries and context of marriage, He didn’t do so just to torture us. He didn’t do so just because He thought it would be fun to watch us wait. He did so for our benefit, and our protection. He did so because we are worth something, worth everything to Him.

I think that’s why you dreamt of rose petals and a man who’d still be there in the morning. You dreamt like that because that’s what you were made for. That was the context you were made to enjoy sex in. I know that waiting is hard. I know that even when you know you’re worth, it is still hard, and you’re still tempted to go further than you should.

But I still think waiting is worth it. I still think that we, as precious, loved human beings deserve the beauty that comes after waiting for the right one. I've written before about waiting for sex and the journey it is, so I won’t repeat myself (you can read that one here: http://bekksies.blogspot.com.au/2013/11/sex-waiting-open-letter.html). Instead, I just want you to know a couple more things.

Beautiful girl – know your worth. And know the ground you stand on. As hard as it is, you need to walk away from anyone who is pursuing you simply so they can have sex with you. In the moment, it feels like a compliment that someone thinks of you that way – but I can promise you, it’s not a compliment. And they’re not really thinking about you – they’re thinking about themselves and what they can get from you. Saying no may mean the end of a friendship, the end of a relationship – that is so hard, but baby, keep walking. Keep moving on. The right man – he’ll cherish you. He’ll honour you. He will wait for you.

You don’t need to settle just because the world says waiting is uncool. You don’t need to give in just because you are frustrated and tired of the waiting journey. You don’t need to give in just because he’ll leave if you don’t sleep with him. 

You’re beautiful, girl.

Stay Strong.

Memories and my refusal to regret

Memories can be the things that keep us holding on far longer than we should... They come back at the most unexpected times, and they fill us with a longing. A longing for all we’ve lost. A longing for all that could have been, should have been if only. If only things were different, and life was fair and the timing was never wrong, but always, always right.

The memories carry feelings with them – we remember how it felt to have our arms around them, or feel them sitting close by our side… I don’t know about you but I know that for that fact alone – sometimes I purposely let myself remember. I keep those memories alive just so I can feel that way again. I can feel wanted… I can feel adored… I can feel all the things that having him by my side made me feel.

Maybe that’s unhealthy. Maybe I’m wrong. I still dont always know if remembering is a good or bad thing. But if there’s anything I have learned it’s that moving on never comes because I force myself. Moving on never happens just because it should, or it’s time, or it’s been too long of holding on. Moving on happens when it’s right. When our hearts are ready. When we’re finally able to see that it didn’t work out for a reason.

That’s a hard truth to swallow – I know. Accepting that there was a reason for it not working out… Accepting that maybe they weren’t the perfect person for you… Accepting that maybe the relationship wasn’t as healthy as you thought it was or wanted it to be. But when you can finally realise all that, when you can finally say those words aloud without feeling like you’ve been stabbed a hundred times over – moving on starts to happen.

There’s this quote I love by this chick called Bethany Sampson. In it she says ‘because moving on isn’t the tragedy. Spreading your wings and flying isn’t the heart-wrenching problem. Forgetting is.’

I guess this makes me realise its okay to remember. And having those memories – isn’t such a bad thing. It’s possible to move on, to move forward in life and become more of who you were always meant to be – whilst still remembering all the good times, and all the hard times. We learn from it you know? We learn from the relationships that never worked. We learn from the wrong timing, and the broken hearts, and the crazy attraction we feel with almost-strangers.

Remembering is hard… But I think it’s worth it… I think it’s one of those things that we should let happen, that we should be grateful for. I don’t wanna forget… I don’t wanna forget how it felt to meet my Augustus Waters. I don’t wanna forget how it felt to hear him breaking my heart with his words when he left. I don’t wanna forget how blessed I was to have him in my life, even if for a very short season. I learnt – I learnt how to love. How to be honest. How to share my heart without giving it all away too quickly. I learnt that there can be beauty in sorrow. There can be wonder in heartbreak. I learnt that it isn’t always about me – that more often than not – it needs to be about what’s best for him. And yes, that means walking away sometimes – giving him the space he needs to move on and learn how to fly – but it’s still all worth it.

So yes, I remember and at times, those memories feel like they’ll be the death of me. But more often than not, I am blessed by and thankful for the memories. I am thankful for all of those seasons in my life, when he came and went. I learnt something from them all – and I refuse to be the girl who regrets it. Yes, I have words I regret. There are things I still wish I never said, or said better. There are honest words I always wished I had said. But I learnt so much, and became so much stronger.

And through them all – I learned to love better… stronger… deeper.

Moments

I know it’s all been said before… But sometimes I think we just need the reminder – we don’t get our time over again. Moments are made to be lived, and this is what I have learned:

· No matter how badly you want to shut down, and stop your heart from getting involved, there is something beautiful about letting people in. There is something beautiful about building relationship with people.

· Some days are just made for escaping from reality. Take the road trip… Sit by the water and laugh with friends. Watch the waves crashing without saying a word.

· Leave your phone behind. There is always going to be time to scroll through news feeds and check text messages – there won’t always be time to see the look in someone’s eyes.

· Make memories. Pause in the moment long enough to capture it in your mind. As painful as memories can be, they are also so, so beautiful.

· Take the time to memorize someone… the way they laugh… the songs they sing quietly under their breath…. The depth in their eyes…

· Just be present… be thankful…

I guess what I’m trying to say is, we don’t get do-overs. We don’t get to live that exact moment with those exact people ever again. And I don’t know about you but I am so tired of missing the little things because I’m too caught up in a computer or iphone screen. I’m tired of missing incredible moments because I’m rushing to the next place, or stressing out about all I’ve got to do that day.

Take chances, love. Be brave… Give yourself a break sometimes. Let yourself laugh and love and be loved. Be thankful for this very moment you are in, instead of thinking about everything you would change. Today is a gift. Today has blessings in it you will only see when you stop to look, and be thankful for them all. 

Life is good.

Climbing Mountains...

There’s been a longing in me lately for beautiful words. For ways to describe all that has been happening in this heart and mind of mine. But truthfully, I don’t know that I have the words. I don’t know that I can find a way to describe the changing and the growing, the longing and the sorrow, and the sweet trust in Jesus I have begun to find.

It’s one of those seasons where heartbreak wants to win. When the void he left in my life wants to make itself known, and there’s been too many days of longing, and too many nights of tears, and too many prayers asking God to please just make the way that I’d never been able to find. I remember she wrote to me, and told me you still know he isn't right for you. And those words always haunted me because I never actually said that – but she knew. She knew just as I still know that though there is a void in my life shaped like him, he wasn't and isn't right. So as heartbreak tries to win, I fight even harder to find the beautiful moments. To find the good in goodbye. I fight even harder to put my heart in God’s Hands and leave it there.

It’s one of those seasons where nothing is making sense. And there are too many closed doors with nothing seeming to open. Some days, fear tries to win… Fear tries to hold me, reminding me that I can’t make a move coz it could all go wrong. But even when nothing is going the way I planned, I’m reminded of Jeremiah. How God called him, and regardless of his excuses, God anointed him and assured him he ‘could and would go wherever God told him to.’ So no, nothing really makes sense right now. And yet, I can and will go wherever God calls me. There is no such thing as a wrong move because He will always guide me back. And fear? Well, fear is just a liar.

It’s a season of battling old demons. Battling voices that tell me I am never enough. That if only I could change the way I look, things would be different, better somehow. But the thing I've learned here is that I am stronger than that. I don’t have to fall back into old coping mechanisms just because that’s what I always did. Those voices are just like fear – they’re lying.

So maybe, maybe this season is actually one of strength. Because for all the moments I’ve never felt more broken, I’ve also never felt stronger. Or more alive in Christ. Maybe it’s like Paul wrote in Corinthians – ‘I am hard pressed on every side, but not crushed, I am perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned, struck down, but not destroyed.’ I’m climbing this mountain with my hands wide open. I’m open to what God has for me. I’m committed to spending this time with Him. I am believing He works all things for good, and I am trusting He knows more than me. It’s not perfect you know? I don’t always feel my faith. But it’s there. And it’s seasons like this one that it grows and strengthens and is revealed.

Life…. Life is good!

Things I learned in my teens

So, initially this post was meant to be ’20 things I learned in my teens’, in honour of my 20^th birthday tomorrow. However, narrowing that down to 20 things was literally impossible. Even getting it down to this 35 was hard… However, this is a picture of my life, the things I have been through and just some of the lessons I have learned through it all. I pray this is an encouragement to you.

1. God always comes through - even in the worst and hardest circumstances
2. There is something beautiful about being confident - not arrogant confidence, but genuine 'I know who I am' confidence
3. It's okay to be single. We can't successfully be with someone til we know how to be with ourselves. It’s also okay to want someone. That wanting (and not needing) is very real, and completely okay.

4. Some guys are just not worth it... When someone plays with your heart, you need to be the one strong enough to just turn and walk away.
5. Never underestimate the importance of having a 'champion playlist.’ Including Kelly Clarkson on that list is also important – sometimes singing her songs at the top of your lungs is an essential part of emotional processing.
6. Life is short. Not in a 'yolo' sense but in a 'find out what's important and live it' way
7. It's okay to cry
8. It's more important to be healthy and eat rather than just be skinny. Having hips is a good thing!
9. Family is important. Cherish them. Be present in the moments. They won't always be with you every day.
10. Writing letters to your future husband is important. Although slightly weird, someday he'll read them and know your heart was always his. & Praying for your future children is always a good thing. In this ever-crazier world, they, and you will need those prayers.
11. Being brave is always worth it
12. It's more important to be kind than right. People deserve kindness - no matter who they are.And those who deserve love the least are usually those who need it the most.
13. How you treat someone who has hurt you is ultimately a sign of your character.

14. Know the 'why behind the what' of your convictions and stick to them, even if everyone else around you doesn't get it. 

15. The truth will always come out. Sometimes we just need to be still and wait.
16. Christ is enough. Your relationship with Him is more important than anything - dont neglect it. He is enough, in grief and sorrow, in joy, in heartbreak... He is always and ever enough.
17. Heartbreak doesn't last forever. Falling in love is okay - and getting your heart broken - can be a good thing. It does end. There is Hope in the midst of it.
18. Who you hang around is who you become. Choose wisely.
19. You're worth everything. Don't settle for less than you deserve.
20. There are 3 rules for a first date: the girl should wear a dress so she can come home & spin around whilst listening to T-Swift. The guy should always pay. And those nerves you get beforehand? They're meant to be there. You're meant to be every kind of excited and nervous.
21. The world always needs more love letters. Writing them and hiding them in public places on Valentine's Day is the best thing you can do for yourself and others.
22. Getting involved in godly but real church community is the best ever thing you can do. It will be hard & awkward - and potentially have some drama-filled moments, but relationship is worth it.
23. Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. The best antidote for depression is holding onto God's word.
24. Goodbyes are awful. Just accept that.
25. Death is hard. Cancer is a relentless disease that is no respecter of people's lives and circumstances. But somehow, through it all, God is still good. & it’s okay to be mad at God and tell Him that you're mad.
26. We're not going to get all the answers in this life. Sometimes knowing the Who is more important than knowing the Why.
27. Babies are cute. Hold as many newborns as you can - there's something precious in those moments.
28. Doctors will not always have all the answers. Sometimes you just need to take it to God and trust Him to bring healing, reveal the answers, or carry you through it.
29. Your words have way more power than you realize - always use them to uplift and encourage. People don't need one more person telling them why they can't do something, or tearing them down. Speak life.
30. Sometimes it's more important to be present and listen rather than having all the right words to speak.
31. Everything changes. God never does.
32. A sense of humour is essential to life. As are Dr. Seuss’ books – no, you’re never too old to read Dr. Seuss.

33. God answers prayers.
34. Arguing in the right context with the right people is very fun.
35.  Spontaneous adventures should always be a part of this life. 

Love is...

Loving someone has to be the most terrifying and brave thing to do. Ever.

Not because of the risk of a broken heart. But because love is selfless. It’s not about me. It’s choosing – every.single.day. – to put someone else’s needs before my own.

If Im being honest, I don’t know if I know how to do that. I’d like to think I am selfless but when it comes down to it, aren’t most of my choices about what will benefit me the most?

I guess that’s the thing: love is counter-cultural. Love is completely against the way this world works. Because this world we live in is selfish. It’s all about doing things for myself, doing whatever makes me happy, because ‘I’ll only live once.’

But truthfully, if I only live once, then maybe I don’t want it to be all about me. Maybe I wanna be the brave one and learn what it’s like to care for more than just myself. Maybe I wanna do the terrifying thing and learn what it means to say love isn’t arrogant, and doesn’t boast, brag, or strut about.

I don’t know if I can do it, but I’d like to try. I’d like to set my gaze on the very One Whose Name is Love, and learn from His example.

Because I wanna be brave enough to wake up, and think of how to fill somebody else’s needs before my own wants. I wanna be courageous enough to live beyond the bubble of my own thoughts and desires. I wanna be crazy enough to give up everything I’m holding onto for someone else’s sake if that’s what is necessary.

Love isn’t what I think it is, and isn’t always what I want it to be. It’s not tingly feelings and mad attraction. It’s not having someone by your side to make you happy or fill a void. Love is not about getting what I want. And I can’t say it any better than Paul so I’ll just use his words to tell you what love really is.

Love is patient – it waits til it is right.

Love is kind – even when someone doesn’t deserve kindness.

Love isn’t envious, doesn’t boast, brag, or strut about. There’s no arrogance in love; it’s never rude, crude, or indecent – It’s not self-absorbed.

Love isn’t easily upset.

Love doesn’t tally wrongs – it forgives.

It doesn’t celebrate injustice; but truth – yes, truth – is loves delight!

Love puts up with anything and everything that comes along – it stays even when the feelings are gone and fights for the other person.

Love trusts, hopes and endures no matter what. Love never becomes obsolete.

It’s a terrifying way to live – this I know. And maybe I’m just stupidly brave for wanting to try, but I pray this is always where I’m found. I pray this is the one thing I find myself learning and living. It’s not about me… And I can’t imagine anything better.

Baby-Girl: Living the Hurt - MLL

Baby-girl,

If i could protect you from the hurt, you know I would. I would guard your heart and hide your eyes if it was possible. But I know that is not mine or anyone else’s power to do that. Sometimes, I know you don’t even have the power to guard your own heart.

So here’s what I want you to know. Part of life is getting hurt – and it sucks and sometimes breaks you, but you can always grow stronger from it and through it. 

It’s hard to learn to have faith when there are no trials to get through.

 It’s hard to learn to trust when you feel like everything is in your control.

 Life is messy. It’s the same way with love, baby. Love is messy. And there is every chance loving someone is going to mean your heart gets broken. There is every chance loving someone will mean you get hurt in ways you didn't even know were possible.But its still worth it. Don’t stop loving just because you don’t know how you’ll survive the hurt.

We survive hurt by realizing how strong we actually are. 

We survive hurt by realizing when the life gets knocked out of us and we cant walk, we have a Savior who carries us.

He will carry you, baby, even if you don’t always feel it. Just keep running to Him. Keep taking every thought, every feeling, every question captive to Him. He is faithful to rescue you. He hears you, and He provides a way to move on – even when it feels impossible to let go.

Darling, I love you. I will always be here for you, even if that means helping you stand through the hurt. I cant shelter you, but I don’t think I want to. I want to see all your faith and all your trust being put in Him – because He will never let you down. He will never hurt you, never fail you, never reject you. You don’t have to be so afraid anymore. You are seen, Beloved, and wholly known.


Trust Him.