It's been one hell of a week. I have written way too many words this week, and yet, that is how I process. That's how I feel okay, when I can write it all out and say exactly what I'm feeling and thinking. Part of this week has been spending an insane amount of time with Jesus. I never thought I'd be the girl to just sit down with my bible and worship music in the middle of the day, but that's what has been happening. Because right now, that's the only time I'm at peace.
I thought keeping busy and distracted was the way to go. I thought surrounding myself with people was what I needed. But I guess God had other ideas. Each day, He has asked me to just sit, with no bible, no phone, no journal, no music, just sit, in complete silence and listen for Him. It sucks. Silence is scary - because I dont like to spend time in my own brain. When I stop in silence, I'm forced to face things I dont want to deal with. And yet, I'm realizing that's the only way to grow.
We cant grow if we never take time to reflect. We cant change if we dont give God the time and space to change us. We cant move forward if we dont stop to look back at where we were, to see where we are now.
I have learned that loneliness will either make or break us. What we choose to do when we're lonely, who we choose to run to says a lot about us. I'm guilty of just trying to distract myself from it, of hanging out with anyone and everyone, of doing whatever I have to to make the loneliness go away. And yet, that doesn't fix it. I have come to realize that Jesus is the only One Who can fill the empty spaces. He's the only One Who can take away the loneliness. That's why we can be surrounded by people and still feel empty, because He is the only One who can truly fill us. People can never fix that.
I dont believe in being isolated. We need to be part of healthy community. But I do believe we need to be able to sit with ourselves in silence and be okay with that. We need to be able to sit with God and wait for Him to speak. I'm not saying it's easy, if anything it's a discipline. It's a habit that needs forming. But the healing that comes from those moments, the growth, the peace - it makes it all worth it.
So that's where you'll find me - looking for Jesus in the mess. It's not pretty. Many of my moments this week have involved so many tears, and just crying out in fear that I cant do this. I've had so many moments of feeling ridiculously lonely and just wanting to do whatever I can to fix it. But I know that Jesus is here. He is present and working. And while I couldn't see that in the middle of it all, I am starting to see that now. All I know is to keep looking for Him, to focus on that, rather than all the worries and fears and doubts my mind wants to focus on. I still dont have any answers, but more and more I have moments of peace, and for that, I am thankful.
...Coz I know that You are here now, still my heart, let Your voice be all I hear now, fix my eyes on the things that I cant see now, Spirit breathe like the wind come have Your way....