Dear Hopeless and Helpless Heart,
I thought it would kill me, ya know. All those things that broke my heart, all those things that made no sense and just seemed like they would only hurt me. Through every one of those seasons, I tried to hope and trust that God would work it all together for good, that He would take that which was intended for evil, intended for harm, and work it for good. Sometimes that was easy to believe, and a lot of times, it seemed so impossible. I felt helpless and hopeless, like I was wandering with no purpose, in a desert that just felt endless. I couldn’t see in those seasons how God was using it all to grow and shape me. I hoped that was what He was doing, and felt like it sometimes, but overall, it just seemed so pointless.
But now, I feel like I’ve found myself. Like I’ve battled long and hard, and it’s shaped me into who I always wanted to be. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not there yet. There are things ahead that still terrify me. There are still days where I wonder if I’m doing the right thing, if I’m on the right track. There are still days where as much as I want to love and accept myself for who I am, and what I look like, it’s still a battle. But overall, I know who I am. I know what I want. I know what I stand for and what I stand against. I know who I want next to me in this journey.
And that, my friend, is the grace of God. He redeemed me. He took every single thing that was intended for evil, He took the very things that broke me, and used them for good. As I tried, every day, in every season, to lay my life down at His feet, and put it all in His hands, He gave my life back to me. It’s like Matthew 10:39 says ‘if you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for Me, you will find it.’
I havent been perfect at that. There’s been weeks and months of me clinging on to things that I should have laid down. But through it all, God was there, whispering to my heart… Through it all He was there telling me: come, love, it’s time now to let it go. I will work it out, and you’re going to be okay. But it’s time to trust Me now.
And He has. And He will. And I believe Him when He says ‘seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.’ (Matthew 6:33)
He sees your heart, friend. He knows where you’re at. He sees your struggle and your pain, and your quiet hope. He sees your strength, and your weakness. I promise you that when it all feels hopeless, it isn’t. God has a plan that He is working out. And it may take months or years to see it, but baby, He’s not done with you yet. He has a plan to bring breakthrough and redemption. Keep running to Him. Keep laying it all down, over and over again. Keep seeking Him even in the midst of darkness and tragedy. You’re not forgotten, darling, not forsaken.
You are loved.