Tuesday, 18 November 2014

That November Life

I’m not really sure exactly how to follow up a post like my last one. I’m not sure what to say after confessing to the world I’ve given up dating because I’ve been too heartbroken, and relationships became too much of an idol. I’m not sure I can write like I’ve got it all together, when my reality is so, so different than that. I’ve got nothing figured out. And last week? Well, last week I cried more tears than I have in a long time.

I guess it’s just that life isn’t perfect. And things don’t fall into place the way we want them to. And we don’t always get the answers we want, or when we want them. There’s decisions to be made, decisions that aren't a clear cut good or bad, yes or no.

I guess I’m just re- learning something I learnt awhile back…. The right thing never feels right. And even after you’ve made the choice and done what everyone assures you is right, there will still be doubt, and there will still be questions. There will still be the wondering of ‘what if?’

What if I had kept my mouth shut?

What if this had never happened?

What if I had said something a long time ago?

And yet deep down, you know it was right. The right thing doesn't feel right – but it comes with a deep down certainty and assurance. It comes with a deep down peace, a knowing deep inside yourself that you weren't wrong, and God works all things for good.

I guess it’s just that sometimes, heartbreak is the best case scenario. And that really sucks. Nothing hurts more than watching someone you care about journey straight into heartbreak. It’s like you can see all the warning signs, see all the red flags, but they just don’t wanna see it. And so they keep going blindly. Much as you wanna rescue them – there is no rescue right now. There is simply the knowing that in some cases, heartbreak is the best thing that can happen.

Maybe life is just one of those journeys where we keep re-learning the same lesson over and over again. ‘Feelings are feelings, and facts are facts.’ Feel your feels, baby, but remember the facts. Remember who you are. Remember to be thankful for how far you've come, even if you feel like you’re still in the same place you've always been. Remember to do the right thing, even though it won’t always feel right. Remember that part of being a friend, is letting someone else get their heartbroken. It’s painful to watch – I’m not gonna lie – but it might be the best thing for them. It might be what they need to grow and learn and mature.

We don’t have to have it all together. We can’t and won’t figure this life out – so maybe we need to stop trying. Maybe happiness isn't found in having things all together – maybe it’s found in the pursuit of the One Who makes all things work together. I don’t have all the pretty words to say – but maybe I don’t need them. Maybe honesty is enough.

But baby, one more thing? You’re allowed to cry – for a whole week if that’s what it takes. You’re allowed to feel down and out and forgotten and broken… Just know that those feelings – aren't necessarily who you are.

You are loved.

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