You're not a God Who plays games. You dont hide from us. You dont bring doubt and fear and confusion. When You speak, there is peace. There is clarity. Your voice calms the storm. Your presence brings healing. It's not hide and seek. It's never 'catch Me if you can.' You're always here, waiting for us. You may not show us the answers straightaway, but You will never hide Yourself from us.
You're not out get to get us. You dont seek to hurt us. You dont give us just part of You - You give us all of You. You give us all of Your heart, all of Your Love, all of the time.
You dont leave us alone.
You are the God, the only God, of absolute peace. You are the God Whose heart is for us. You are the God Who works for us, not against us, no matter what we do.
You are the God Whose plans prevail no matter how far we wander. You are the God Who comes to find us in any situation, at any time, and never leaves us to our own darkness.
You are kind, but You are sovereign. You know more than we ever could. and in Your wisdom, You allow only that which will grow and ultimately benefit us.
'You dont give Yourself in pieces. You dont hide Yourself to tease us.'
This is who You are.
Amen.
Tuesday, 22 December 2015
Thursday, 17 December 2015
A Few Thoughts on Love
Love doesn't destroy. It doesn't tear down. It doesn't speak words of destruction. It doesn't play games, doesn't look for a way out. Love would never intentionally hurt the other person. Love would never seek to drag them down and bring them harm. Love was never meant to hurt the other person, to wound them or break them.
Yes, love highlights all your fears and weaknesses and flaws. But it's meant to cover them, to make up for them, to complement them.
I have learned that without God, we can't live this kind of love. This kind of love - is His love. It's the way He loves us. And if we don't look to Him and learn from Him, if we don't follow His example, we do all the things love shouldn't.
We destroy each other. We tear each other down. We bring destruction to the relationship. We constantly wound with our words and our actions. We play stupid games. We find new ways to hurt the other person. And we never change, because we're still trying to love in our own strength.
But God's Love - it heals us. It mends the broken, hurting heart. His love makes up for all the insufficiencies. When we let Him in, when we let Love be our guide - then we're truly loving....
We no longer destroy or tear down - we build up. We speak life. We challenge each other to godliness, to life as it's truly meant to be lived. We don't hurt each other, we heal each other. Because although hurt people hurt people, healed people heal people. We don't play games, instead we have our eyes fixed on the goal of Jesus and run straight towards Him together. We don't threaten to leave, we demonstrate a love that stays. And we do it all knowing we can't do it alone - we can only do it in God's strength. We can love like that only when we humble ourselves to worship a God so much bigger than us.
"There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear....
We, though, are going to love—love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first." (1 John 4:18-19 MSG)
Yes, love highlights all your fears and weaknesses and flaws. But it's meant to cover them, to make up for them, to complement them.
I have learned that without God, we can't live this kind of love. This kind of love - is His love. It's the way He loves us. And if we don't look to Him and learn from Him, if we don't follow His example, we do all the things love shouldn't.
We destroy each other. We tear each other down. We bring destruction to the relationship. We constantly wound with our words and our actions. We play stupid games. We find new ways to hurt the other person. And we never change, because we're still trying to love in our own strength.
But God's Love - it heals us. It mends the broken, hurting heart. His love makes up for all the insufficiencies. When we let Him in, when we let Love be our guide - then we're truly loving....
We no longer destroy or tear down - we build up. We speak life. We challenge each other to godliness, to life as it's truly meant to be lived. We don't hurt each other, we heal each other. Because although hurt people hurt people, healed people heal people. We don't play games, instead we have our eyes fixed on the goal of Jesus and run straight towards Him together. We don't threaten to leave, we demonstrate a love that stays. And we do it all knowing we can't do it alone - we can only do it in God's strength. We can love like that only when we humble ourselves to worship a God so much bigger than us.
He is our example.
We, though, are going to love—love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first." (1 John 4:18-19 MSG)
Tuesday, 15 December 2015
Forgiveness
Forgiveness has been the thing pressed on my heart lately. If I’m being honest, I wish it wasn’t. I wish forgiveness was something that just happened automatically, and wasn’t something I had to pray through and work through. For awhile now God has been speaking to my heart, telling me I needed to write down that list of offences I’d been storing up in my mind.
But as I wrote it all out today, I realised something. No, they don’t deserve my forgiveness. But I do. I deserve to forgive them. I deserve to let go of the pain and the hurt, the anger and the bitterness. I deserve to let go of all those memories and the power they have over me. I deserve to be at peace, to live a life of grace.
I’m not there yet. It’s not over with one journal entry, one moment of honesty with God, but it’s a beginning. Because as I wrote it all out, I began to feel more free. I began to feel a weight being lifted off my shoulders that I didn’t even know I was carrying. It’s like I’d been wrapped up in chains, without even realising it was happening. And as I wrote it all out, as I admitted just how much it had all hurt me, the pain it had all caused me – the chains began to break. The weight began to lift. The process of forgiveness began.
Love keeps no tally of wrongs ya know, and so that’s why I’m doing this. I’ve been keeping a tally and now – I want to let it go. I want to forgive, and truly live. I want to truly love, the way the bible says to.
Love is patient; love is kind. Love isn’t envious, doesn’t boast, brag, or strut about. There’s no arrogance in love; it’s never rude, crude, or indecent—it’s not self-absorbed. Love isn’t easily upset. Love doesn’t tally wrongs or celebrate injustice; but truth—yes, truth—is love’s delight! Love puts up with anything and everything that comes along; it trusts, hopes, and endures no matter what. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Finally, I did it. I sat down with my journal, and I wrote down the list, the ugly, ugly list of offences. I wrote down all the things that had been said and done to hurt me, all the moments, all the feelings. I could barely read over it without weeping – because all of those things have caused me a world of hurt. They’ve broken my heart again and again, and created so much hurt and anger and bitterness. And I’ve been holding out for the apology – holding out for that person to realize what they’ve done to me. I’ve been unconsciously not forgiving in hopes they would genuinely apologize and change. I guess I’ve been waiting for them to deserve my forgiveness.
But as I wrote it all out today, I realised something. No, they don’t deserve my forgiveness. But I do. I deserve to forgive them. I deserve to let go of the pain and the hurt, the anger and the bitterness. I deserve to let go of all those memories and the power they have over me. I deserve to be at peace, to live a life of grace.
I’m not there yet. It’s not over with one journal entry, one moment of honesty with God, but it’s a beginning. Because as I wrote it all out, I began to feel more free. I began to feel a weight being lifted off my shoulders that I didn’t even know I was carrying. It’s like I’d been wrapped up in chains, without even realising it was happening. And as I wrote it all out, as I admitted just how much it had all hurt me, the pain it had all caused me – the chains began to break. The weight began to lift. The process of forgiveness began.
Love keeps no tally of wrongs ya know, and so that’s why I’m doing this. I’ve been keeping a tally and now – I want to let it go. I want to forgive, and truly live. I want to truly love, the way the bible says to.
Love is patient; love is kind. Love isn’t envious, doesn’t boast, brag, or strut about. There’s no arrogance in love; it’s never rude, crude, or indecent—it’s not self-absorbed. Love isn’t easily upset. Love doesn’t tally wrongs or celebrate injustice; but truth—yes, truth—is love’s delight! Love puts up with anything and everything that comes along; it trusts, hopes, and endures no matter what. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Saturday, 12 December 2015
Silence
It's been one hell of a week. I have written way too many words this week, and yet, that is how I process. That's how I feel okay, when I can write it all out and say exactly what I'm feeling and thinking. Part of this week has been spending an insane amount of time with Jesus. I never thought I'd be the girl to just sit down with my bible and worship music in the middle of the day, but that's what has been happening. Because right now, that's the only time I'm at peace.
I thought keeping busy and distracted was the way to go. I thought surrounding myself with people was what I needed. But I guess God had other ideas. Each day, He has asked me to just sit, with no bible, no phone, no journal, no music, just sit, in complete silence and listen for Him. It sucks. Silence is scary - because I dont like to spend time in my own brain. When I stop in silence, I'm forced to face things I dont want to deal with. And yet, I'm realizing that's the only way to grow.
We cant grow if we never take time to reflect. We cant change if we dont give God the time and space to change us. We cant move forward if we dont stop to look back at where we were, to see where we are now.
I have learned that loneliness will either make or break us. What we choose to do when we're lonely, who we choose to run to says a lot about us. I'm guilty of just trying to distract myself from it, of hanging out with anyone and everyone, of doing whatever I have to to make the loneliness go away. And yet, that doesn't fix it. I have come to realize that Jesus is the only One Who can fill the empty spaces. He's the only One Who can take away the loneliness. That's why we can be surrounded by people and still feel empty, because He is the only One who can truly fill us. People can never fix that.
I dont believe in being isolated. We need to be part of healthy community. But I do believe we need to be able to sit with ourselves in silence and be okay with that. We need to be able to sit with God and wait for Him to speak. I'm not saying it's easy, if anything it's a discipline. It's a habit that needs forming. But the healing that comes from those moments, the growth, the peace - it makes it all worth it.
So that's where you'll find me - looking for Jesus in the mess. It's not pretty. Many of my moments this week have involved so many tears, and just crying out in fear that I cant do this. I've had so many moments of feeling ridiculously lonely and just wanting to do whatever I can to fix it. But I know that Jesus is here. He is present and working. And while I couldn't see that in the middle of it all, I am starting to see that now. All I know is to keep looking for Him, to focus on that, rather than all the worries and fears and doubts my mind wants to focus on. I still dont have any answers, but more and more I have moments of peace, and for that, I am thankful.
...Coz I know that You are here now, still my heart, let Your voice be all I hear now, fix my eyes on the things that I cant see now, Spirit breathe like the wind come have Your way....
I thought keeping busy and distracted was the way to go. I thought surrounding myself with people was what I needed. But I guess God had other ideas. Each day, He has asked me to just sit, with no bible, no phone, no journal, no music, just sit, in complete silence and listen for Him. It sucks. Silence is scary - because I dont like to spend time in my own brain. When I stop in silence, I'm forced to face things I dont want to deal with. And yet, I'm realizing that's the only way to grow.
We cant grow if we never take time to reflect. We cant change if we dont give God the time and space to change us. We cant move forward if we dont stop to look back at where we were, to see where we are now.
I have learned that loneliness will either make or break us. What we choose to do when we're lonely, who we choose to run to says a lot about us. I'm guilty of just trying to distract myself from it, of hanging out with anyone and everyone, of doing whatever I have to to make the loneliness go away. And yet, that doesn't fix it. I have come to realize that Jesus is the only One Who can fill the empty spaces. He's the only One Who can take away the loneliness. That's why we can be surrounded by people and still feel empty, because He is the only One who can truly fill us. People can never fix that.
I dont believe in being isolated. We need to be part of healthy community. But I do believe we need to be able to sit with ourselves in silence and be okay with that. We need to be able to sit with God and wait for Him to speak. I'm not saying it's easy, if anything it's a discipline. It's a habit that needs forming. But the healing that comes from those moments, the growth, the peace - it makes it all worth it.
So that's where you'll find me - looking for Jesus in the mess. It's not pretty. Many of my moments this week have involved so many tears, and just crying out in fear that I cant do this. I've had so many moments of feeling ridiculously lonely and just wanting to do whatever I can to fix it. But I know that Jesus is here. He is present and working. And while I couldn't see that in the middle of it all, I am starting to see that now. All I know is to keep looking for Him, to focus on that, rather than all the worries and fears and doubts my mind wants to focus on. I still dont have any answers, but more and more I have moments of peace, and for that, I am thankful.
...Coz I know that You are here now, still my heart, let Your voice be all I hear now, fix my eyes on the things that I cant see now, Spirit breathe like the wind come have Your way....
Wednesday, 9 December 2015
Fight for You
My darling-girl,
I know how scared you are right now. I know you just feel so lost, so confused, so unsure. I know that all you want is just to feel okay again.
Baby, you’re going to be so much more than okay. I know life has disappointed you for so long now, but I promise you that you will be much than okay. You are going to be happy, My love. You are going to thrive. You’re going to belong.
You’re not lost, darling. I know where you are and I am coming for you. I have you right in the palm of My hand. I see you, baby. I know you. I haven’t forgotten you. I didn’t abandon you. You’re not in the valley alone. Your heart is going to be okay. I know it has been shattered all over again – but I will mend it.
I know it’s a lot to ask, but will you trust Me again? I know it seems like I have before, but I am not going to let you down. I know words mean so much less to you than actions, so darling, let Me prove it to you. Let Me show you My love. Let Me prove that I have good plans for your life.
Just keep coming to Me. I’ll meet you there. Baby, I will show up. I will come after you if I have to, I will always fight for you. You’re My baby-girl, My precious daughter – life doesn’t get to change that.
It’s going to be okay – I promise. Bring Me your tired. Bring Me your scared. Bring Me your confusion and doubt. Bring Me the hurt, the hopelessness, the shattered pieces. I want all of it. I want all of you.
You mean everything to Me, baby-girl. I’m not gonna leave you wandering this desert forever. Trust Me, love.
I’m here,
Papa
I know how scared you are right now. I know you just feel so lost, so confused, so unsure. I know that all you want is just to feel okay again.
Baby, you’re going to be so much more than okay. I know life has disappointed you for so long now, but I promise you that you will be much than okay. You are going to be happy, My love. You are going to thrive. You’re going to belong.
You’re not lost, darling. I know where you are and I am coming for you. I have you right in the palm of My hand. I see you, baby. I know you. I haven’t forgotten you. I didn’t abandon you. You’re not in the valley alone. Your heart is going to be okay. I know it has been shattered all over again – but I will mend it.
I know it’s a lot to ask, but will you trust Me again? I know it seems like I have before, but I am not going to let you down. I know words mean so much less to you than actions, so darling, let Me prove it to you. Let Me show you My love. Let Me prove that I have good plans for your life.
Just keep coming to Me. I’ll meet you there. Baby, I will show up. I will come after you if I have to, I will always fight for you. You’re My baby-girl, My precious daughter – life doesn’t get to change that.
It’s going to be okay – I promise. Bring Me your tired. Bring Me your scared. Bring Me your confusion and doubt. Bring Me the hurt, the hopelessness, the shattered pieces. I want all of it. I want all of you.
You mean everything to Me, baby-girl. I’m not gonna leave you wandering this desert forever. Trust Me, love.
I’m here,
Papa
Monday, 7 December 2015
Home....
Home has been the thing on my mind lately. I read this quote on IYFTE yesterday that I think sums it up perfectly. “My momma told me not to make a person my home but I didn’t listen. I should have listened.”
I get this. Because I did the same thing. It wasn’t so much that I made him my home as it was just I always felt at home with him. Even on the bad days, being with him felt like coming home. And now he’s on the other side of the world, and I don’t really know where home is anymore… I’d like to sound a little less dramatic but for the sake of honesty – that’s exactly where I’m at. I’m not sure where home is. I’m not sure how to make anything feel right. And that’s a really hard place to be in.
But as I read my bible this morning, Titus 1v2 stood out to me. It told me that ‘we rest in this hope we’ve been given – the hope that we will live forever with our God – the hope that He proclaimed ages and ages ago (even before time began).’ And it reminded me of the truth – that Jesus is Home to me. That no matter where I am, or where my love is, my Jesus is present, and He is Home. There is a day coming where I will be with Him forever, exactly where I was always made to be. And when I am there, everything will be exactly as it should be. It will be right.
That’s my hope in this season, and this life. It’s a hope that doesn’t change. A hope that doesn’t disappoint. It’s a hope that was given before time even began, and so it is never going to change or end. No matter where I go in this world, I can always have a sense of Home. I can always rest in the hope that a day will come where I will be completely where I was always meant to be. There is a place for me. This world isn’t it. And I have no idea if and when I will ever feel really at home again here, but even if I don’t, I will be okay. Because I have this hope as my anchor. I have the hope that there is more than just this. I have the hope that there is place for me where I fit perfectly and will never have to question anything again.
And so that’s where I am right now – learning to make my Home in Jesus once again. Trusting that my feelings don’t have to dictate my truth. Knowing that there is a place for me where I truly belong. Declaring that I am not hopeless, but rather, I have hope. I have peace. It’s a journey, it’s a fight. But one step at a time, I will get there. Home is where my heart is – so I’m choosing to place my heart in Jesus, and let Him do what He needs to.
I get this. Because I did the same thing. It wasn’t so much that I made him my home as it was just I always felt at home with him. Even on the bad days, being with him felt like coming home. And now he’s on the other side of the world, and I don’t really know where home is anymore… I’d like to sound a little less dramatic but for the sake of honesty – that’s exactly where I’m at. I’m not sure where home is. I’m not sure how to make anything feel right. And that’s a really hard place to be in.
But as I read my bible this morning, Titus 1v2 stood out to me. It told me that ‘we rest in this hope we’ve been given – the hope that we will live forever with our God – the hope that He proclaimed ages and ages ago (even before time began).’ And it reminded me of the truth – that Jesus is Home to me. That no matter where I am, or where my love is, my Jesus is present, and He is Home. There is a day coming where I will be with Him forever, exactly where I was always made to be. And when I am there, everything will be exactly as it should be. It will be right.
That’s my hope in this season, and this life. It’s a hope that doesn’t change. A hope that doesn’t disappoint. It’s a hope that was given before time even began, and so it is never going to change or end. No matter where I go in this world, I can always have a sense of Home. I can always rest in the hope that a day will come where I will be completely where I was always meant to be. There is a place for me. This world isn’t it. And I have no idea if and when I will ever feel really at home again here, but even if I don’t, I will be okay. Because I have this hope as my anchor. I have the hope that there is more than just this. I have the hope that there is place for me where I fit perfectly and will never have to question anything again.
And so that’s where I am right now – learning to make my Home in Jesus once again. Trusting that my feelings don’t have to dictate my truth. Knowing that there is a place for me where I truly belong. Declaring that I am not hopeless, but rather, I have hope. I have peace. It’s a journey, it’s a fight. But one step at a time, I will get there. Home is where my heart is – so I’m choosing to place my heart in Jesus, and let Him do what He needs to.
Monday, 16 November 2015
You are the Beauty from the Ashes
'You are the beauty from the ashes.'
It was one of the most broken moments of my entire life. I dont remember ever feeling so gutted, so hurt, so lost. As I sat there in a heap of tears and prayers, begging God to show me some kind of beauty from all the ashes in my life - he said it. I dont even know if he realized what he said, but in that moment, he told me 'you are the beauty from the ashes.'
Everything changed right then because for the first time, I could see. I started to see through God's eyes. I started to understand why there's been so much pain and heartbreak. I started to understand why He'd put me on such a hard path. I started to understand why so many things fell apart - why there were so many unknowns.
I'd spent so long looking for redemption in the situations themselves, when all along God was creating the redemption in me. He was creating the beauty in me. He was using the ashes of this fallen apart life to make me into someone who reflects Him. He was using all the brokenness to make me into someone who helps heal the broken. Hurting people hurt people, but healed people heal people. I've been the recipient and giver of both sides of that. All I can say is that being hurt sucks, and the price for beauty doesn't always feel worth it. The pain and the wounds and the scars aren't something I'd wish on anybody.
And yet - you are the beauty from the ashes. I am the beauty from the ashes. Maybe it's time to stop looking at the situations - to stop trying to find the redemption in them and questioning God when you cant - and start seeing what He's doing in you. Maybe it's time to look at His faithfulness to you; to look at the way He uses the ashes to make you something beautiful - someone who heals because they've been healed. Someone who loves deeply because they know what it's like to love and to lose. Out of the ashes beauty will rise - and baby? Maybe it's you. Maybe you are the beauty from the ashes.
It was one of the most broken moments of my entire life. I dont remember ever feeling so gutted, so hurt, so lost. As I sat there in a heap of tears and prayers, begging God to show me some kind of beauty from all the ashes in my life - he said it. I dont even know if he realized what he said, but in that moment, he told me 'you are the beauty from the ashes.'
Everything changed right then because for the first time, I could see. I started to see through God's eyes. I started to understand why there's been so much pain and heartbreak. I started to understand why He'd put me on such a hard path. I started to understand why so many things fell apart - why there were so many unknowns.
I'd spent so long looking for redemption in the situations themselves, when all along God was creating the redemption in me. He was creating the beauty in me. He was using the ashes of this fallen apart life to make me into someone who reflects Him. He was using all the brokenness to make me into someone who helps heal the broken. Hurting people hurt people, but healed people heal people. I've been the recipient and giver of both sides of that. All I can say is that being hurt sucks, and the price for beauty doesn't always feel worth it. The pain and the wounds and the scars aren't something I'd wish on anybody.
And yet - you are the beauty from the ashes. I am the beauty from the ashes. Maybe it's time to stop looking at the situations - to stop trying to find the redemption in them and questioning God when you cant - and start seeing what He's doing in you. Maybe it's time to look at His faithfulness to you; to look at the way He uses the ashes to make you something beautiful - someone who heals because they've been healed. Someone who loves deeply because they know what it's like to love and to lose. Out of the ashes beauty will rise - and baby? Maybe it's you. Maybe you are the beauty from the ashes.
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