It’s been awhile, because life has thrown some hard lessons my way. Things got dark for a bit there… No matter what I did, nothing was changing and it got to the point where I didn’t know how to hope anymore. It got to the point where I had to actually give up on some things, and accept they were just never going to happen, and that was hard. I’m a fighter, not a quitter, so giving up on something, on someone never comes easily to me.
It was a season that was easy to be really angry at God for. Like no matter how much I asked Him to just do something, to make at least one thing better, things just kept getting worse. It was like Murphy’s Law, anything that could go wrong, did go wrong. And I was angry at Him for that. Angry at Him for hurting me, for allowing this kind of pain into my life. Even the people who encouraged me never to give up on Him had to agree that all of this just seemed so cruel, and so not the way God operates.
But here I am standing, almost on the other side of it, and I can see a little clearer now. Firstly, I have learned yet again, that God is faithful. When you’re in the pitch black and it doesn’t seem so, it’s hard to believe this. But it’s in His nature – He is faithful, so even if it’s not straightaway, He will come through, He will turn it around. And He will never leave you in the process, even in the darkness He will be right there, getting you through, whether you feel Him or not.
Another thing I have learned is that when God does something, He does it fast. Literally 3 days ago, there was no hope and everything was black. Today, there’s a second chance, things have changed so much faster than I ever knew they could, and it was nothing done on my part. He brought it about. He literally made a way where there was no way.
The biggest thing maybe that I am learning is that God is truly the healer of my heart. I got myself into such a heartbroken place, the biggest mess I have ever been in. Though I was doing everything I knew how, I couldn’t fix myself this time, the brokenness just wouldn’t mend. And then He gave me this picture. This picture of my heart, the bullet holes in it, the chaos… and then He showed me a needle with thread, stitching me up. It wasn’t me doing it, it was Him. And as He stitched, and I looked again, it was already healed over. He was cleaning up the mess. He was putting me back together, making more whole than I’ve ever been before. Not only is He faithful to be with me in the process, but He’s faithful to heal me through it.
No, it’s not over yet. No, life is not perfect. I’m still finding my way out of the woods, but I’m better than I was before. It has been one of the hardest seasons of my life. It’s been more overwhelming and more painful than I have ever known before, and I don’t wish that on anyone. But God is faithful in it and faithful through it. Healed people heal people. And so maybe, one day it’ll all be worth it.
Hope is not lost. Darkness never wins. Don’t give up.